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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  November 1, 2012 7:30pm-8:00pm PDT

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here in manhattan the power is still out downtown or, as we refer to it now, little north carolina. (laughter) for more on the city and the aftereffects of hurricane sandy we go to al madrigal. al, what's the scene like downtown, al? (laughter) >> john, downtown's still devastated. many tunnels filled with sea water, grocery stores emptied and there's been no electricity since the substation exploded just around there up 14th street. (laughter). >> jon: al, what is that strapped to your back, al? >> oh, yeah, it's a machete, john. see, there's two types of folks still down here in no-juice town. (laughter) people with machetes and dead people without machetes. (laughter). >> jon: al, we're going to go up town to john oliver. john, what's it like up there? (laughter) >> it's a total hell scape up
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here. for starters-- and i don't want to cause a panic-- serendipity has run out of mocha sprinkles. (laughter) which begs the question, john, where the (bleep) is fema when you need them? (laughter) i will say, though, i don't know if you're tried serendipity's he can of a job brownie but it is to die for. >> jon: jessica, is that you? >> yeah! >> jon: are those rats on your jacket? >> yeah, you buying? free range. fresh. (laughter) very fresh. >> jon: jessica, is everything okay? >> i knew i should have moved to the upper west side but, no, lower east side is where it's at. lower east side is cool. they have indian food! >> jess, jessica, please understand that life up here is no picnic. we're barely making do. (laughter)
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my book of mormon seats tonight? obstructed view. (laughter) >> all i've had to drink today is urine. (laughter). >> jon: your own urine, i hope, al, is that -- >> no! everyone's. because this is a community! okay? there is no "i" in "urine." (laughter). >> jon: actually, al, there is an "i" in "urine." >> well, there's also a "u." >> jon: thank you, everybody, we'll check if with you guys later. anyway, it's been a harrowing couple of days for all of us. once again a huge debt of gratitude not only to first responders who have risked their lives to save others or-- as they call it-- going to work. (laughter) but also the m.t.a., power companies, phone companies, public officials, we thank you all tonight in our brand new segment "a daily show tribute to institutional competence." (cheers and applause) it's amazing! amazing!
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once you remove political and partisan gamesmanship from a situation performance improves dramatically. down the line government's been on top of its stuff, we'll start with n.y.c. mayor michael bloomberg. but, listen, i think we all agree if these cups were still legal -- (laughter). -- maybe the city would haven't flooded at all. (laughter) but that's not the point, that's not the point. the point is -- (cheers and applause) the point is mayor bloomberg kicked ass at his job and did in the two languages. (. >> (speaking broken spanish) (laughter). >> jon: all right. that may sound like what happens when you walk in on your rabbi practicinpracticing with w rose. (laughter) but when your city is flooding, that is as fluent as antonio (bleep)ing banderas. (laughter) by the way, bloomberg was talking three languages if you count the city's newest star
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lydia callis whose expressive sign language interpreting turned disaster press briefings into an alvin ailey sign language recital. (laughter). (cheers and applause) all across the region sandy wreaked havoc on trees, communities, and political talking points. >> there has been a series of extreme weather incidents. anyone that's not a -- that's not a political statement, that's a factual statement. anyone who says there's not a dramatic change in weather patterns i think is denying reality. (laughter). >> jon: which you can do until reality is up to your (bleep)ing chest, you understand what i'm saying to you people? (laughter) here's another one. did you know that people need government services? and they cost money! ask my job creating billion fair
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capitalist who's been in a natural disaster. >> new york city taxes itself and spends the money to protect us and to have the services that will keep us going and i know of no other city that does that. which always annoys me when they say "oh, you're a high-taxed place." yeah, and we get something for it. >> jon: you think it's cheap to keep the statue of liberty's legs shaved? it's not? (laughter) she's 200 feet tall and she's french. it's a big job! (laughter and applause) my favorite came straight out of new jersey whose governor chris christie kicked crazy ass during the storm. he's been one of mitt romney's most outspoken allies throughout the president's campaign. this is him 12 days ago. >> the president doesn't know how to lead. he's like a man wandering around in a dark room hands up against the wall clutching for the light switch of leadership and he just can't find it and he won't find it until the next 18 days! >> jon: obama couldn't find a
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stack of old newspapers in an episode of "hoarders" i'm telling you. this guy couldn't find a container at the container store, i'm telling you. obama couldn't lead a bunch of eels to the sargasso sea-- their natural spawning grounds. (laughter) so, you know, look it up. but that was, of course, when america was still living in a pre9 '11 storm surge mentality. >> i want to thank the president personally for his personal attention to this he accelerated the major disaster declaration for new jersey without the usual red tape. the cooperation from the president of the united states has been outstanding. the president has been all over this and he deserves great credit. >> jon: yeah, i guess he found that (bleep)ing light switch, huh? (cheers and applause) great credit -- to his great credit tkorb his great credit, chris christie realized the storm was real and that he had a job to do as governor so it was time to slalom down bull (bleep)
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mountain and deal with this obama, not this obama. (laughter) not everybody got the memo. >> over the last couple months, you have appeared throughout the country on behalf of mitt romney, we hear that perhaps he's going to -- mr. romney may do some storm-related events. is there any possibility that governor romney may go to new jersey to tour the damage with you? (laughter) >> jon: are you kidding me, doocy? (laughter) look at christie. >> i have no idea nor am i the least bit concerned or interested. i have a job to do. i've got 2.4 million people out of power. i've got devastation on the shore. i've got floods in the northern part of my state. if you think right now i give a damn about presidential politics then you don't know me. (cheers and applause).
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>> jon: if i know my state and my governor, i believe that is the point of the conversation where you are supposed to flip over a table and yell "pro * "prostitution whore!" (laughter) you know, on a personal note i live in downtown manhattan -- (laughter). -- and as the water begoon rise i knew that my family counted on me in this time of unprecedented trouble and laug. (laughter) laugh sam! sam! i thought you were going to do sign language interpretation. i thought you were going to translate -- >> jon, i think i got the gist of it. >> jon: we'll be right ,x+ c4-x!í!í!írg,x-xh0d(#tkid -)
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: hey, welcome back! you know -- feels good to have power! (laughter) must charge phone. you know, politics is a cynical business. but there's one place where the ideals of democracy are still pure. middle school elections. (laughter) we set out to ruin that by sending john oliver and a documentary crew to take over an eighth grade student council election. i present to you part one of our
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new three-part series "the strategist." >> woodcliff middle school was in full campaign mode as two very different candidates ran for class president. >> my name is kyle pearlman. >> i'm loren, i'm 13, i'm in eighth grade. >> i'm running for student council president. >> strategist john oliver's first task was picking which candidate to work with. for some advice on how to make his choice he turned to grizzled 25-year campaign consultant mark o'hara. >> most consultants are concerned about two things and two things only: winning the campaign and making sure they get paid. >> oh, that's great. >> it's simple. >> that makes my job a whole lot easier. loren, why do you want to be president? >> well, i really want to focus on anti-bullying so it just is completely eliminated from the school. >> um -- just bragging rights. (laughter). >> jon: would you describe yourself as a popular person? >> not exactly.
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>> yeah, i would. >> if you were an animal, loren, what animal would you be? >> a cat. >> i would probably be a shark. >> good answer. what kind of shark? >> a great white. >> great answer. congratulations, you've got yourself a campaign manager. >> great. >> hey, loren, get out. get out! >> it was a perfect match. >> shut the door behind you. we are going to crush her. >> crush her. >> the team went straight to work in a purpose-built war room. >> hey, carl, you know why i like you? >> why? >> because part of you frightens me and that's a good thing. >> thanks. >> with a professional strategist pulling the strings for kyle, sweet idealistic young loren didn't seem to stand a chance. until -- a rival campaign manager showed up. >> hey, what are you doing? >> with these new hardened
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operatives set against each other things were about to get nasty. but where should they begin? >> we do opposition research on ourselves so that at least we know in advance what's likely to be coming from the other side. >> all right, pull up your facebook page here. what's your password? >> puppies 123. >> (laughs) of course it is. >> whoa, whoa! what's that? what's that? >> oh, not looking forward to the next "twilight" movie. (laughter) >> why would you write that? >> well, i saw part one of the movie and it was awful. >> you can't have an opinion on that kind of stuff. >> who's that? >> my aunt. >> get rid of her. who's that? >> family friend. >> get rid of her! who's that? >> that's kyle. >> the kid you're running against? you can't be friends with him! okay? >> all right. >> so let me is you again, hey, kyle, seen "twilight"? >> yeah, i have. >> what do you think of >> it it's great!
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spaoe. >> see how easy that was? all you have to do is something you fundamentally believe passionately in. (laughter) >> with vetting complete, the campaigns needed to decide where to place their focus. >> which is more important? image or the content of your message? >> image, absolutely. >> it's not uncommon for a consultant to buy a whole new wardrobe for a candidate, to get a different hair cut. >> okay, we can do that. ♪ you better work -- >> conservative but not too conservative. wealthy but not elitist. ♪ work, turn to the left ♪ work, turn to the right ♪ work, shante -- >> this feels weird. >> you look great. >> there were just 12 days until the most important vote of their 12-year-old lives. coming up tomorrow on "the strategist" the campaign intensifies. >> you listen to me you (bleep). i will (bleep) your (bleep).
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you understand me? (laughter) >> jon:
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back, my guest
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tonight, the best-selling author of the psychopath test, his new book is called "lost at sea, the john ronson mysteries." please welcome back to the program john ronson. (cheers and applause) >> nice to see you again! >> jon: first of all, let me thank you for coming out in these difficult conditions. i met your family backstage. lovely people. and very kind of you to come here. as the audience as well on a difficult night. (cheers and applause) >> i was in the village, you would have been proud of me. i started taking photographs of my instagram ominous filter. (laughter) the time i thought this was really bad is when you no longer needed the ominous filter. (laughter) and then the next day i was taking photographs with my "everything's going to be okay" filter.
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>> jon: when did they develop the "everything's going to be okay" fitter? and can they use it downtown, please? that's the sad part. you have developed something, it's almost a new category of, like, investigative satire. >> yeah. >> jon: you go and you explore with great intellectual curiosity, you find a way to make it funny. this book is filled with these stories. you spent time-- it's not in this one, it's going to be in the paper back, superhero. >> well, yeah, i put myself in extremely tkaeupbg white house situations which is ridiculous because i suffer from anxiety so i was with a superhero called phoenix jones, a real life superhero, dresses up in a superhero and fights crime. >> jon: he's a crime thwarter? >> he's a crime thwarter. but the weekend i was with him there was no crime to thwart, he was getting more and more frustrated. at one point he heard a woman being attacked and he went idea i can't tellsy!" and he ran running towards her.
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>> jon: sorry, back that up? >> yahtze, that's his superhero cry. and he screeches to a halt and then the woman just vanished so that was no good. but then he was so annoyed that there was no crime to fight he took me to break up a gang of 30 armed crack dealers. (audience reacts) i had no idea. and he had a bulletproof superhero suit, i had a cardigan. so he walked -- >> jon: what was the weave on the cardigan? was it a tight weave? >> not even that. it was not -- >> jon: did you have it open or did you button? >> well, i was very buttoned as you can imagine. >> jon: so these crack dealers are going "what are you doing coming here to our block with your stupid outfit? this is not fun and games for us, this is real life." and what i was doing wase ostentatiously nodding in agreement with the crack dealers in the hope that if the shooting
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started they would considerately ignore me. >> jon: (laughs) >> in the end phoenix won because the crack dealers said "if you don't go, we're going to kill you." and phoenix said "i'm not going." and they said "well, we're going to have to go home." so he really is a superhero. >> jon: the crack dealers left? >> the crack dealers left, yeah. >> jon: phoenix won. >> i know! i know! >> jon: if you act crazy at a certain point they're like "there must be something here, maybe he is a superhero, he has lasers or something and clearly he's here with wattson so that's got to be like --" (laughter) because in a superhero situation i can see you being an excellent sidekick with great -- like, you're the gadget guy. >> i wasn't an excellent sidekick that night, i'll tell you. >> jon: did you yell at phoenix afterwards? >> no, but when i got back to the hotel my knees buckled and i had to mold myself up on the chair. i'm 45. this is what the crack dealers were saying, they were saying, look, this is not how you want to die.
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(laughter) believe us. this is not how -- your mother will see you in a casket and this this was a ridiculous-- i'm paraphrasing -- >> jon: sure. >> --way to die. >> jon: did they mention how you would want to die? >> they said when you're very, very old, when you'ren up having adventures. >> jon: here's the thing about crack dealers people don't recognize. a lot of wisdom there. a lot of good wisdom. a lot of really nice -- do you keep in touch with any of your subjects? is there a rapport that's developd? >> i like to keep in touch with people because i don't want people to feel -- you know, i spend all my time with crazy people but i never look down at them, i never feel imperialistic, i always feel like i connect with them on a neurotic level and so i like it when the people -- >> jon: do you, when you're with them, refer to them as "crazy people" or when you're with them do you say "great idea, phoenix! let's go a to a crack house."
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>> i didn't say that. at one point what he wanted to do was get some -- get a hotel room -- he was with two other masked superheroes. >> jon: (laughs) wait, who were the other two? >> pitch black and ghost. >> jon: pitch black and ghost? >> yeah, all masked. he wanted to get a hotel room and he wanted to call up some prostitutes and then when they arrived he would ask them if they wanted his help escaping the web of prostitution but i said to them, look, this is a really bad idea because when the prostitutes -- a it's going to be like an hour after their night and, b, they're going to get here, see men in masks, they're not going to be thinking superheroes. (laughter) >> jon: i'm telling you, man, investigative satire. you're like -- you know how richard engel goes into syria, crawls in? you do that for comedy. and i admire that! deeply, deeply impressive.
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you've got to go get lost at sea, it's on the bookshelves now. it's skadz of these great stories. john ronson, investigative satire. (cheers and applause) ♪ we ran a mile before breakfast ♪
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♪ sure, i had a salad for lunch ♪ ♪ but a miller 64 at dinner? ♪ oh yes, 'cause i've worked off my paunch ♪ ♪ 'cause we live a life of balance ♪ ♪ and no one can say that we're wrong ♪ ♪ so here's to good miller, who cut out the filler ♪ ♪ and made a beer worthy of song ♪
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♪ to miller 64 ♪ to miller 64 ♪ to love, sweat and beers and well deserved cheers ♪ ♪ to miller 64
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00, here it is, your moment of zen. >> i'm tired of bronco bama and mitt romney! >> that's why you're crying? oh, it will be over soon, abby.
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the election will be over soon, ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] man: dave chappelle! [cheering and applause...] whoa! what's up? what's up, at the top? man. [applause subsides...] you know, uh... you know what's funny, man. there's two things that start happening to me a lot now since i started a second season. one-- like, when i walk down the street, people always scream stuff out. like, i'll be with my kids, and people are like, "i'm rick james, bitch," and all that stuff.